to the core of the problem

the outside shines, spirited and alive
while the inside glows dully in secret
trying so hard to keep others from drowning
while she herself is clinging to the shore
a tower of strength with a shaky foundation
a pillar of strength with a rotten core
blindly reaching out to hold everyone's hand
but afraid of spreading poison with every touch
"forsake me" she cries to whomever is listening
willing to smother to give others some air
would give up the moon to pass along the stars
yet somehow failing at every turn
"guide me, show me" she cries to her maker
"can i give a piece of you to the ones that i love"
"can i make it all better or ease some of the pain"
but i just stumble along making ripples in ponds
instead of smoothly sailing along to shore

Winter's Fire

The golden fire of the morning sky
Belies the frigid December air
The cloud lie nestled in their soft pink glow
As the suns first rays fall everywhere
Through the gloved cotton cover of my palms
The steering wheel still feels like ice
Out in the cold, can't help but think
That my nice, warm bed would feel so nice
But obligation sends out its call
So out into the dawn I depart
Yet somehow, in this icy air
The morning's fire warms my heart

6:05am

Silent slumber fills the house
None but I have dared to stir
Upon the pillows in the dark
In little heads big dreams unfurl
The morning sun's not shown her face
Yet here I am, senses awake
Waiting for just a sliver of light
As dawn decides to make her break
But wait- a glance and I'm rewarded
With a soft, faint glow upon the leaves
The promise of a brand new day
If in my heart I'd just believe

Hey, Mother Nature... (I am a loser...)

*You are about to be let in on a little secret- my dorky habit of making up new words to songs. Most of the time it's in my car and I make the words about how cute I think Pete's butt is, but in this case, I was inspired...)

"Hey, Mother Nature..."
(to the tune of Hey There, Delilah by the Plain White T's)

Hey, Mother Nature
Sayin' hi from here in Philly
You rained out our Fightin' Phils last night
I bet you feel so silly
Yes it's true
Bud Selig just can't bend to you
I know it's true

Game 5 got rained out
With the score tied 2-2
We're mad at Selig, and the MLB
And kind of mad at you
It's just because
We're Philly fans- we threw snowballs
At Santa Clause

Oh, can't you please stop the rain
Oh, we'll play Game 5 again!
Oh, it really is a sin
The Phils must have their chance to win
6th inning? We'll tune in...

Hey, Mother Nature
We just could not change the channel
Game was played on in a downpour
And we wasted poor Cole Hamels
Now he can't play
Even if the Phil's go all the way
But not today

Hey Mother Nature
Our poor fan sat out in poncho's
A line drive slipped through J. Roll's fingers
So thanks to the head honcho's
Who let 'em play
Now our win's so close
Yet faraway
Maybe today

Oh, please be our hero
Oh, no damp Victorino
Oh, I know the Phils will win
Oh, if they can just get Game 5 in

In other towns they laugh at us
Is it the curse of ol' Lindros
It seems a real big win won't come our way
Then Game 5 came, we're on the cusp
But then rain fell and messed it up
Oh will this soggy madness go away
I have to say...

This rain must stop
But we don't know just how or when
Now, should we be pissed of at you
Or are we mad at William Penn
It just don't fly
When you try to rain out Game 5
That's not a lie

Oh, let nature takes its course
Oh, The Phils will win, of course
Oh, and when the rain subsides
There'll be victory off 95
Oh that you can't deny

My Friday Night

Curled up on the couch
Away from the world
So stylish in Haines finest line of sweats
A soft, rosy pink, so unlike my mood
Or the bags softly draped about my tired eyes
But it does match the crisp, cold wine in my glass
And the soft, faint buzzing it creates
I have found a utopia in front of the TV

A Prayer for the Living

Grant us strength to make it through
The power to stop from hurting this way
The faith to see tomorrow
While blindsided by yesterday
Give us grace to heal our hearts
To place our anger behind bars
To take the raw, red sore inside
Never to cure, just become scars
We pray to end this ceaseless night
To lift our eyes up to the sun
To stop the tears that fall so free
We count them each- a thousand, plus one
And so we pray, we beg, we plead
For clarity in desperate times
And guide us with our hands in yours
For answers that we need to find

I Am Just a Girl

I am just a girl
And I can't change the world
I can't make fate bend at my will.
I have no consequence
Cant make mixed-up make sense
Can't make things that are moving stay still.
Can't procure miracles
Not a God, just a girl
I'm grounded and just can not fly
I can't move the earth
Although, for what it is worth
I don't think that I'd ever not try
But I can be a voice
Try to make the right choice
Do the best that I can every day
Be an example of
Those who show me such love
And are part of me in so many ways.

Wonder

I wonder what it was like
When life was normal.
I can almost remember what it was like
To not pray for a miracle every day,
To laugh like we meant it
To dream like it mattered.
I remeber when our futures stretched before us-
A happy trail of light and promise.
I wonder what it was like
Back when my heart didn't feel like lead
And worry never consumed me.
When I didn't sit like a sentinel
Over the ones that I love.
I wonder what it was like
To go a whole day without crying.
I wonder when we will be normal again.

No Words

There are no words now, when I need them the most.
The words to make everything okay.
Silent in my actions, I try to exist
As I move like cement through the day.
My heart fills my chest like a leaden weight
And my body floats in slow motion.
I see those I love before me as if in a movie;
Watching the screen while I fill with emotion.
A tear down my cheek, some food in my hands
All seem so useless against what we face.
And here at the table, a space now is empty
The rest of us left here in a brand-new place.

A Walk With My Husband

Crisp, fall air
Night falls so soon
Walking around with a warm drink in hand
The other hand warmed by the palm of a lover
My blessing wrapped around me like a shawl made of sunlight
Right now, in this moment, I would not be another
Speaking no words
Thinking big thoughts
Our footsteps provide a gentle cadence
For a moment my eyes close, I savor the sounds
Cars passing, conversation, leaves alive on the street
I am happy, right now, in this second I've found

The Ugliness Inside

Twisted deep inside your soul
if there is a soul indeed
Is darkness that must feel like a weight
So heavy to have to carry around
Dragging you down to the lowest of places
So low you can not see shame
I try to keep perspective
Knowing you have been to the depths before
Knowing you have felt heartbreak
felt despair
felt the lonliness of saying goodbye
I would hope that this would shape you
Give you understanding for those who face the same
And yet you remain untouched
Selfish even in the face of other peoples sorrow
Playing games and playing the fool
Seemingly unaware of how disgusting you have become
So, enjoy your life
As the worthy write you off

Insomnia

To lay my head down at night
Is to give in to darkness.
Alone with my thoughts in the behind the veil of my eyelids
It's brighter them I could ever imagine
The light shining harshly on everything
I wanted to forget about while I was awake
My mind spins, a lazy vertigo
Jumbled thoughts nudge me awake
I roll over, defeated
As sleep alludes me once again

Random Wish

I think that my only wish for you is peace.
Peace to leave the chains that hold you so you can be free.
But deep in my shameful heart, I know that is not my only wish.
I wish things were different.
I wish I didn't want to turn my heart away from God
When people say that this is His will.
Where is home? Where do you belong?
I look at your discomfort, labored breathing,
The slow decay of dignity.
If this is home, maybe it's time to show yourself out.
But I can not help but remember your old home,
Where you lived as father, son, friend, brother, husband.
And maybe my only wish is that you still lived there.

Early Morning

The sun is barely up in the sky
and is just dusting the Earth with the faintest of light
I flip on a switch as I drive, filling my car with warmth.
My husband fell asleep on the couch, and the chill of missing his body is with me.
I looked at him with amusement,
his shoes still on after a late night of work.
In his slumber he does not notice his shoes,
does not notice when I gently urge him to go to the bed I just left.
Instead, I turn off the light and leave our home.
Starting my day as he begins his slumber.
Sometime I think we are like two ships, passing in the night.

Benediction

Mid-September
The air feels like August but smells like fall.
Baring my shoulders one last time, the sunlight falls over me like Holy water
And as I walk the crunch of the first fallen leaves rises up like a benediction.
This is my temple, where I kneel to a higher power
I plead with my God to give us a few more warm days
Before the cool, rushing winds blow out the fire in our hearts.
Our lives are so fragile and fleeting, not unlike the warmth
Or the leaves that turn to dust at my step.
Fall approaches like the reaper
And we all beg for just one endless summer.

Dear God, I hope you got the letter and I pray you can make it better down here...

Dear God,

It's me again. You may remember I wrote to you a few months back (see the Dec. 10th entry), and had a few things to ask you for help with. My letter was a little wordy, though, so I wanted to check in with you again, just to go over a few things. You know. To make sure you didn't miss anything.

Things are a little rough down here for some of us, but before I bring all of that to you, I do want to thank you for a few things first. Thank you for getting my cousin Meri through her surgery yesterday, and give her the strength to stay healthy and follow all of her doctors orders. There's a long road ahead for her and she will need You there with her.

Thank you for getting my father through his surgery to place the radiation seeds that will help him beat his cancer. I know they are in there, raidiating away, and thanks to good care and what I can only assume was a little extra divine intervention, they did not slip or come out, and soon enough, we will know if my dad has jumped over this latest hurdle.

Thank you for Pete, who puts up with all of my shit, who has seen me at my worst and been there for the best and sees all of me and still loves me. Thank you for someone who not only can hold on to me when I am trying to float away, but makes staying on the ground all the more worthwhile. Thank you so much for someone so brave, so friendly, so funny and so understanding. Even if he does come with the wedding! :-)

Thank you for all of the little things that give me a small moment of comfort, like hearing a great song on the radio or putting on my Uggs. If you insist on giving me insomnia, thank You for Conan O'Brian! Sometimes, I think it's the little things that get you through life.

But, now to the point. Please, please watch over Greg as he moves into this new phase of his illness. Watch over him on Monday, be there with him through his surgery, and also be there with his doctors and nurses. Remove the discomfort and fear from him, and help him be healthy again, not just for him, but for Shelly and their girls. We are all so patiently waiting to know that he will be okay, and hope that You can lead him in that direction soon. PLEASE.

Watch over my Carmen as she moves into a new phase in her own life. Make her brave enough to know how amazing she is, and how loved she is, and how deserving of love that she is. I've only known her a fairly short time but she has shown how invaluable she is to me, and I know that there are people out there who are supposed to know how bright her light shines, she just hasn't been ready to flip the switch on.

You have given me so many amazing people in my life, people whom I love so much and I am so, so lucky to have love me back. I don't know what the hell I did to deserve them, and maybe that's the problem. But these are the people who make my whole life worth living, and because they are such a precious gift to me, I want then to only know the best life has to offer and only suffer the pain that will, in the end, make them stronger people. I'm not sure if that is selfless or selfish, but either way, these are GOOD people that I know darn well You love so much. So let's just cut them all a break, eh?

It's time to go to bed down here on earth. But I guess You know that. Please take into consideration what is on my heart and watch over Greg, Carmen, Meri, and anyone in the world who needs to hold your hand, no matter what faith they might use as a microphone to talk to you.

I remain yours, with my love and thanks,
Brie