After the storm...

The sun shining down on a white, white world
Blinding in her brilliance, sparking in her glory
Crisp air wakes the senses, skin feels alive
The deep blue of the sky marred not by the clouds
Mother Nature's reward for some harrowing days
Dark skies, dangerous streets, homebound people
But even that can not last forever
Today brings the silver lining

Mother in the Morning

Morning stretched across the world
The sound of sweetness outside my door
A smile shines up to light my heart
A smile that I am living for
These moments serve to warm my soul
To see him takes my breath away
This reason to get out of bed
A new adventure every day
"Hello, my love" I whisper down
And though he can not yet reply
There is a silent understanding
Between this Boy and I
He's lifted up, the day begins
And I am someone new
Upon cloud nine I see it all
This bright, amazing view

Tales From A Sleepless Bed

I did all of the things I was told, but sleep still eluded me.

I am 31 years old, and I have had trouble sleeping since I left my teens. Before that, I was a typical teen- if sleeping had been an Olympic sport, I would have been the Michel Phelps of slumber. I had always been a night owl, but when I laid down, I went to sleep.

The sleeplessness eventually became so bad, I want to a clinic to have a sleep study done. This means submitting to having wires, probes, and straps strung about your body in order to record your brain waves, your leg twitches, your breathing. And after they string you up, they plop you into an unfamiliar room. "Okay", they say casually. "Night!".

It took me 45 minutes of laying in the dark to drift into the lightest of slumbers, and I felt a bit of injustice- Sunny von Bulow would have had trouble falling asleep under such circumstances! A few days later, a doctor sat down with me and showed me a bunch of lines and waves that represented my sleep patterns, or lack thereof. He sent me home, armed with a bunch of techniques that were supposed to help me practice better "sleep hygiene".

Sleep hygiene? Um, doctor, excuse me, but you're speaking to a girl who washes her feet off before she goes to bed, lest any stray foot funk acquired from wearing flip flops rub off on my sheets. Wait, that's not what it means? Ohhh.......

When I got married, I was determined to make our bedroom a sanctuary of restful repletion. No television. Good, quality bedclothes. A clock radio that acted not only as an alarm clock, but provided soothing sounds such as "rain forest" and "thunderstorm". Firm, comfy pillows designed for side sleepers (which I am). No cell phones near the bed, and no laptops in the room at all! I would say that it worked for my husband, but I can also say that he could fallen asleep on the same raft Elian Gonzales cruised into Miami on. My husband sleeps just fine.

I on the other hand, have found myself awake long after the light has been turned off, long after the 60 minute timer providing the "summer evening" sounds has timed out. I bring myself to bed exhausted, and somehow become as fully awake as ever as soon as I try to close my eyes.

God knows I try. I try counting, meditation, visualization techniques. But my mind drifts:

Sixty-seven...sixty eight...sixty-nine...

..heh heh...sixty-nine...

...I bet Bob would think that's funny...

...I haven't seen Bob in a while...

...and I'm off. My brain is like a hamster wheel with a cute, hyperactive rodent running, running running.

So, I lie awake, night after night, my thoughts crowding me out of my own bed.

PJ

Who stole into our lives one night
And left a gift for us?
Greater then any gift we have ever known-
A blessing of no compare.
A moment when there was nothing, then-
Something!
This new life created from our own!
We gaze upon his precious face,
Delight to hear his every sound!
Whatever goals have been replaced
With the single desire to care for him.
No task to great, no chore too much,
We bow to the call of this sweet one's soul.
A son...
We have a son!

The Birth of a Dream

Dreaming of a gentle breath
The weight of love inside my soul
To come to me on angels feet
Before my body gets too old
The oldest version of "new math"
When one plus one somehow makes three
And from our lives there comes one more
A better version of you and me
So for tonight, the next, beyond
Behind closed eyes, my heart has smiled
While in my sleep I dream about
The day that I will meet my child

Angry Girl

From deep within, I feel the rise
Of rage, although I know not why.
For no good reason the beast within me speaks.
Try as I might to calm it down
Reason just cannot be found.
And fighting it will only leave me weak.
I swear that I will not give in.
I lamely fight but just can't win,
And find myself a person quite unknown.
See that girl with all those flaws?
Striking out and showing claws-
Shamed at her behavior to the bone.
Look kindly on the Angry Girl,
As her emotions come unfurled
And she slowly falls apart before your eyes.
Her walls go up, so be prepared.
In her anger, he soul is bared.
So hold her, though she pushes while she cries.

Not sure what I'm trying to say...

Complacency is a disease
It eats away at your insides
Until you think that just okay is...okay.
Putting fourth the minimum output
Becomes your mode of survival
You tell yourself you're trying hard
But just under the surface you know
That the shorter the climb the softer the fall
You can get back up and dust yourself off
If you trip and fall to the ground
But that is too easy
You must be willing to put yourself together
When you shatter after a slip from the heights

True Love Is This....

All of cliches say that there is only one true love,
but can this really be exact?
In the course of a life you meet so many
and if you are among the lucky few
you will experience true love in so many forms.
The truth about true love is this:
True love is laughing with your sister and crying with your best friend.
It's huddling under the covers on a dark, rainy night with the one you pledged vows with
warm and safe in the cocoon of your joy
or hiding from the sadness of the world.
True love in the light weight of your child in your arms.
True love is felt in the ecstasy of finding your companion
and somehow also felt in the stinging stab of loss.
The reality is this- the blessed do not know only one true love
and instead, know the truth about love.

Serenity Prayer 2009

God, grant me the serenity to
accept that some days, I will want to stab myself in the eye with a spork.

Amen.

Here, gone, and back again...

The seconds tick by like the spokes in a wheel
Each day goes faster then the one before
From beginning to end, then return, round and round
One snapshot, then two, then a thousand, then more
First light, then the next, sun up and then down
To close your eyes once would be a mistake
Watch and listen, then learn, then imprint in your heart
Hold on to each second not asleep, but awake
A moment so fleeting, but not to forget
Cataloged in my soul I have made them mine
Each instant so precious, but how can you know
Until the next flash when it's been left behind

to the core of the problem

the outside shines, spirited and alive
while the inside glows dully in secret
trying so hard to keep others from drowning
while she herself is clinging to the shore
a tower of strength with a shaky foundation
a pillar of strength with a rotten core
blindly reaching out to hold everyone's hand
but afraid of spreading poison with every touch
"forsake me" she cries to whomever is listening
willing to smother to give others some air
would give up the moon to pass along the stars
yet somehow failing at every turn
"guide me, show me" she cries to her maker
"can i give a piece of you to the ones that i love"
"can i make it all better or ease some of the pain"
but i just stumble along making ripples in ponds
instead of smoothly sailing along to shore

Winter's Fire

The golden fire of the morning sky
Belies the frigid December air
The cloud lie nestled in their soft pink glow
As the suns first rays fall everywhere
Through the gloved cotton cover of my palms
The steering wheel still feels like ice
Out in the cold, can't help but think
That my nice, warm bed would feel so nice
But obligation sends out its call
So out into the dawn I depart
Yet somehow, in this icy air
The morning's fire warms my heart

6:05am

Silent slumber fills the house
None but I have dared to stir
Upon the pillows in the dark
In little heads big dreams unfurl
The morning sun's not shown her face
Yet here I am, senses awake
Waiting for just a sliver of light
As dawn decides to make her break
But wait- a glance and I'm rewarded
With a soft, faint glow upon the leaves
The promise of a brand new day
If in my heart I'd just believe

Hey, Mother Nature... (I am a loser...)

*You are about to be let in on a little secret- my dorky habit of making up new words to songs. Most of the time it's in my car and I make the words about how cute I think Pete's butt is, but in this case, I was inspired...)

"Hey, Mother Nature..."
(to the tune of Hey There, Delilah by the Plain White T's)

Hey, Mother Nature
Sayin' hi from here in Philly
You rained out our Fightin' Phils last night
I bet you feel so silly
Yes it's true
Bud Selig just can't bend to you
I know it's true

Game 5 got rained out
With the score tied 2-2
We're mad at Selig, and the MLB
And kind of mad at you
It's just because
We're Philly fans- we threw snowballs
At Santa Clause

Oh, can't you please stop the rain
Oh, we'll play Game 5 again!
Oh, it really is a sin
The Phils must have their chance to win
6th inning? We'll tune in...

Hey, Mother Nature
We just could not change the channel
Game was played on in a downpour
And we wasted poor Cole Hamels
Now he can't play
Even if the Phil's go all the way
But not today

Hey Mother Nature
Our poor fan sat out in poncho's
A line drive slipped through J. Roll's fingers
So thanks to the head honcho's
Who let 'em play
Now our win's so close
Yet faraway
Maybe today

Oh, please be our hero
Oh, no damp Victorino
Oh, I know the Phils will win
Oh, if they can just get Game 5 in

In other towns they laugh at us
Is it the curse of ol' Lindros
It seems a real big win won't come our way
Then Game 5 came, we're on the cusp
But then rain fell and messed it up
Oh will this soggy madness go away
I have to say...

This rain must stop
But we don't know just how or when
Now, should we be pissed of at you
Or are we mad at William Penn
It just don't fly
When you try to rain out Game 5
That's not a lie

Oh, let nature takes its course
Oh, The Phils will win, of course
Oh, and when the rain subsides
There'll be victory off 95
Oh that you can't deny

My Friday Night

Curled up on the couch
Away from the world
So stylish in Haines finest line of sweats
A soft, rosy pink, so unlike my mood
Or the bags softly draped about my tired eyes
But it does match the crisp, cold wine in my glass
And the soft, faint buzzing it creates
I have found a utopia in front of the TV

A Prayer for the Living

Grant us strength to make it through
The power to stop from hurting this way
The faith to see tomorrow
While blindsided by yesterday
Give us grace to heal our hearts
To place our anger behind bars
To take the raw, red sore inside
Never to cure, just become scars
We pray to end this ceaseless night
To lift our eyes up to the sun
To stop the tears that fall so free
We count them each- a thousand, plus one
And so we pray, we beg, we plead
For clarity in desperate times
And guide us with our hands in yours
For answers that we need to find

I Am Just a Girl

I am just a girl
And I can't change the world
I can't make fate bend at my will.
I have no consequence
Cant make mixed-up make sense
Can't make things that are moving stay still.
Can't procure miracles
Not a God, just a girl
I'm grounded and just can not fly
I can't move the earth
Although, for what it is worth
I don't think that I'd ever not try
But I can be a voice
Try to make the right choice
Do the best that I can every day
Be an example of
Those who show me such love
And are part of me in so many ways.

Wonder

I wonder what it was like
When life was normal.
I can almost remember what it was like
To not pray for a miracle every day,
To laugh like we meant it
To dream like it mattered.
I remeber when our futures stretched before us-
A happy trail of light and promise.
I wonder what it was like
Back when my heart didn't feel like lead
And worry never consumed me.
When I didn't sit like a sentinel
Over the ones that I love.
I wonder what it was like
To go a whole day without crying.
I wonder when we will be normal again.

No Words

There are no words now, when I need them the most.
The words to make everything okay.
Silent in my actions, I try to exist
As I move like cement through the day.
My heart fills my chest like a leaden weight
And my body floats in slow motion.
I see those I love before me as if in a movie;
Watching the screen while I fill with emotion.
A tear down my cheek, some food in my hands
All seem so useless against what we face.
And here at the table, a space now is empty
The rest of us left here in a brand-new place.

A Walk With My Husband

Crisp, fall air
Night falls so soon
Walking around with a warm drink in hand
The other hand warmed by the palm of a lover
My blessing wrapped around me like a shawl made of sunlight
Right now, in this moment, I would not be another
Speaking no words
Thinking big thoughts
Our footsteps provide a gentle cadence
For a moment my eyes close, I savor the sounds
Cars passing, conversation, leaves alive on the street
I am happy, right now, in this second I've found