The Ugliness Inside

Twisted deep inside your soul
if there is a soul indeed
Is darkness that must feel like a weight
So heavy to have to carry around
Dragging you down to the lowest of places
So low you can not see shame
I try to keep perspective
Knowing you have been to the depths before
Knowing you have felt heartbreak
felt despair
felt the lonliness of saying goodbye
I would hope that this would shape you
Give you understanding for those who face the same
And yet you remain untouched
Selfish even in the face of other peoples sorrow
Playing games and playing the fool
Seemingly unaware of how disgusting you have become
So, enjoy your life
As the worthy write you off

Insomnia

To lay my head down at night
Is to give in to darkness.
Alone with my thoughts in the behind the veil of my eyelids
It's brighter them I could ever imagine
The light shining harshly on everything
I wanted to forget about while I was awake
My mind spins, a lazy vertigo
Jumbled thoughts nudge me awake
I roll over, defeated
As sleep alludes me once again

Random Wish

I think that my only wish for you is peace.
Peace to leave the chains that hold you so you can be free.
But deep in my shameful heart, I know that is not my only wish.
I wish things were different.
I wish I didn't want to turn my heart away from God
When people say that this is His will.
Where is home? Where do you belong?
I look at your discomfort, labored breathing,
The slow decay of dignity.
If this is home, maybe it's time to show yourself out.
But I can not help but remember your old home,
Where you lived as father, son, friend, brother, husband.
And maybe my only wish is that you still lived there.

Early Morning

The sun is barely up in the sky
and is just dusting the Earth with the faintest of light
I flip on a switch as I drive, filling my car with warmth.
My husband fell asleep on the couch, and the chill of missing his body is with me.
I looked at him with amusement,
his shoes still on after a late night of work.
In his slumber he does not notice his shoes,
does not notice when I gently urge him to go to the bed I just left.
Instead, I turn off the light and leave our home.
Starting my day as he begins his slumber.
Sometime I think we are like two ships, passing in the night.

Benediction

Mid-September
The air feels like August but smells like fall.
Baring my shoulders one last time, the sunlight falls over me like Holy water
And as I walk the crunch of the first fallen leaves rises up like a benediction.
This is my temple, where I kneel to a higher power
I plead with my God to give us a few more warm days
Before the cool, rushing winds blow out the fire in our hearts.
Our lives are so fragile and fleeting, not unlike the warmth
Or the leaves that turn to dust at my step.
Fall approaches like the reaper
And we all beg for just one endless summer.